so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
