As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
