I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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