Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
