the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
