No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
