Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
