My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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