she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
