I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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