Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
