If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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