There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
