You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
