I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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