so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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