i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
