Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Congratulations! We have a period
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
