Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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