the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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