Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
