If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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