Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
