She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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