Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
