life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
