I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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