mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
