so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
