He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Terrible idea I love it
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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