I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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