is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
