??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
