Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It's rum buckets o'clock
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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