Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
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