I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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