Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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