when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
