My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
