Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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