"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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