I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
