my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
