thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
