She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
