D3 body, D1 cock
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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