I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
