just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
