I think I am morally bankrupt
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
