no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
