god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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